Winter 2014 will go down in infamy.
1. You will fall.
For winters as far back as 2005, we’ve made fun of falling tourists. “Look! One in a bright pink puffy jacket totally ate it crossing Broadway.” But this year, the karma train has returned to the station. Tourists can’t even get here because Mother Nature was tired of reading “11 Things Only New Yorkers Think Are Funny” articles on Buzzfeed and took it out in weather form. So now it’s our turn. Accept it – you will fall, probably in front of your ex.
2. Make new paths.
It makes logical sense to go where the sidewalk was just shoveled or where you see a clear path of foot steps. Beware: it’s a trap! Once you’re in it, is harder to get out of than the cronut line. That beautiful sight of a simple walk is a siren’s call to falling (see above), having a shovel of snow thrown in your face, or, worse yet, a hidden river of ice.
3. Your trivia knowledge will expand. A lot.
Not because you’re playing Trivial Pursuit online against a 9-year-old Korean pen pal, but because you’ll watch so much Netflix even Netflix can’t Netflix enough for you. Once you’ve reached the end of the Romantic Comedy section, and all of the horrible titles from the “Recommended for You” section, you’ll discover the documentary section. At first you’ll think to yourself that docs are dumb and missing a dance number or a plot twist. Six days later, when you crawl out from under a pile of blankets and empty Seamless bags, you’ll have absorbed all the knowledge… and odors.
4. Comfort food is ok.
Whoever decided diets should start in January obviously never experienced a January as hellishly cold/windy/slushy/WTFisthat as this one. In fact, it was probably someone from a marketing department at the Lettuce Farmers of America who invented New Year’s Resolutions so they could sell more bags of the green stuff. When you look at the thermometer and it laughs at you, or Google weather gives you “ice pellets” as the weather for the day, it’s ok to order a grilled cheese as an appetizer, another as an entree, and one additional as dessert. Tots, on the other hand, count as a vegetable. Go you!
5. Communicating with your loved ones will have to wait.
The two block walk you used to call grandma and her boyfriend in Palm Beach is now off limits. From learning how to balance a venti blonde roast in one hand and your other buried gripping a dry cleaner ticket from 1987 in your pocket, taking your gloves off and typing in a phone number is physically impossible. Just, no.
6. Train service sucks.
But it’s the only way to go anywhere. Taxis are impossible, and you’re still mad at the one that drove by and splashed you with muddy water like a slushied dork on Glee. Über is now $10,000 for a ride that was just $23 last week. If you own a car, you’re probably on a yacht in St. Topez now, so please, send an invitation.
7. Your house makes a lot of noise.
Never have you ever heard that sound. Or that one. At some point before we all lived here, there was a company that invented hotter-than-fire metal tubes that clink clank BANG BANG BANG really loudly. They cause the temperature to be either Lord-Jesus-be-a-raindrop or Antarctica. Then, it starts. The hisssss. Followed by what sounds like David the Gnome politely banging a tiny gnome hammer on a piece of metal. Suddenly, David the Gnome gets pissed and starts really banging. Air still whizzes and a few big puffs of radiator sweat puffs out of this odd looking mechanism nobody has ever seen before, and the banging then turns into a gurgle, followed by the sound of a sock full of nickles smashing into a bullet train. CLANZAPSAQUE. We had to invent a word that sound is so obnoxious but unique to those hot water filled burn makers. Oh, and you may have a ghost. And no hot water.
8. Los Angeles is a viable option?
You start going through the list of bonuses. Giant apartment. Great rent. Celebrity neighbors. Then, after a week of being totally stoned to feel like the state of California, you snap out of it when someone asks, “Oh, you’re going to drive again?” Hell no. LA is off the table.
(Gifs provided by Giphy.)